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This morning as the alarm clock rings I can `t help but cry. On the bright side I am alone and it `s a warm summers day. Yet the tears seem to flow uncontrollably
down my face. I close the blinds to block out the sunlight. I find myself rushing to the washroom to blow my nose and splash water on my eyes. I glance at the mirror
I look like hell but then again what does it matter as I have lost the ability to see beauty anyway. I’m stuck with the notion of trying to figure out just where my life is
going. At present time I can estimate nowhere but it can’t all be shit right. I exit the bathroom and walk to the living room. Negativity floods my brain. Inside I feel like
a failure a total fucking failure. Time has speed up and I have gone nowhere. Why do I choose to exist like this? Well because yet again I am unemployed. I have been
for five months now. Cynics would say a get a job and stop wallowing in your own self- pity. Of course all I can say to you self-righteous critics who fit in with this
capitalistic self-absorbed society is go fuck yourselves. For to me to get at yet another low paying soul destroying job is a sham. You see over the years I have developed
an uncanny ability to see through it all. I know my destiny is a flawed one. Time has not only passed me by but at 32years has rail roaded my psyche. For this is not the
first time I have flirted with this all to familiar scenario. Yes you think I do not realize my future reality. I` m not an idiot in fact I am actually quite intelligent. I have all the
drive and ambition to be a success but I like to sleep at night I have a conscience. And what does that leave me with well the bottom of course. Why well because I am
not a diplomat nor do I have the killer instinct to climb the corporate ladder, I ultimately see myself as fucked. My parents `s love me but can `t relate to me. You see
for them work is all about survival, their mentality is one of the peasants or as we refer to in modern times the working class. If only menial mindless labour satisfied me.
Some of you might look at me and think, look at those poor people in 3rd world countries if they had your existence they would be in heaven. But sadly enough they
are not polluted by this illusion of plenty. The world in which I live in is one of opulent houses, flashy cars, and ritzy restaurants. You see we promote material success
in this world because success sells. Toronto is a new world city built on many an immigrant` s dream. The nightmare is when you know in yourself that a big city is a
lonely and empty place filled only with apathy and greed. The reality is driving me slowly insane.
©2025
Amanda Jane
Stafford (band name Amanda Saint)